Regrets
by vach.tm
Summary: "I cannot live another day more without telling the truth. That's what I am doing right now, writing my memoirs. If I cannot say it out loud, then I am going to write it. Someone or something other than me needs to know what happened that day." (Post-Hogwarts, Canon compliant..ish)
1. Prologue

AN: First of all, thank you for deciding to read my work! This is not the first story that I have written but it is the first work with an interesting plot that I have decided to publish. English is not my first language, therefore, I'm very sorry if you find any grammatical errors.

AN2: I was really excited to post this chapter and couldn't wait to upload it. I re-read it again and decided to tweak a few things, it's not going to change the main plot. You don't have to read it again.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of the Harry Potter world just the plot of this fic.

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It's too late.

I knew we shouldn't have done that. I tried to console myself so that I can bear the decision that I made but it's no use. I know what happened.

My kids help me realized every day that I made the right decision. And then I see _you_ and I know for sure that even though I can see the happy faces of my beautiful children, I wish that they have something of _you._

I wish _you _were mine every time we laugh together, every time our eyes catch in one of our surreptitious glances, every time I have _you_ in my arms, hugging or consoling _you_. I know I did not make the correct choice. I should have fought for_ you _harder, I should have explained to _you _again and again that we would have been more than ok but I am a coward. It's still hard to relate Gryffindor with cowardliness, but that's what I am.

My mind always likes to play horrible games with me, making me remember at the worst time what happened and the consequences of my stupid actions.

I know I should have told_ you _everything from the beginning but I cannot keep going anymore. I feel stuck between two mountains, I feel the earth beneath my shoes trying to eat me whole, the dark is surrounding me, I am breathing it, I cannot fantom why I keep this farce every day. Why am I not with _you_? Why I cannot be the man that can see _you_ wake up every morning? Why _you_ cannot be mine like before? What if I.. and that's how my kids always find me, willowing in the what ifs and the whys.

'Papa?' and everything comes to light and the darkness vanishes. 'My sweet girl! How was your day with your grandparents?' I pick her up and give her kisses all over her face.

My savior. My kids are everything to me, they help me understand that I make the correct choice all those years ago. I wish I wasn't lying when I write this, so I am going to be truthful for once, I need to be, if not the darkness will swallow me whole again. My kids do help, but that feeling does not last long. All it takes for my world to crash is for me to listen to _her _name, _her_ laugh, listen to _her_ voice, looking into _her _eyes, _her_ smile, _her _scent… I cannot take this anymore, I cannot see _her_ with him again, I am tired. So, so tired. I need to tell the truth to someone, I need to say it out loud, I need to….and the list goes on.

But everything is changing, because I need it to change. I cannot live another day more without telling the truth. That's what I am doing right now, writing my memoirs. If I cannot say it out loud, then I am going to write it. Someone or something other than me needs to know what happened that day. Knowing that I am the only one that remembers because I wanted to remember and _she_ needed to forget. It has become a curse.

My name is Harry Potter, it has been 13 years since I defeated Voldemort. I have three beautiful children, James, Albus, and Lily with Ginny Weasley. I'm still married but I do not love my wife. I have learned to appreciate her and take care of her, I thought I was in love with her at the beginning of our relationship, I thought I was doing the correct thing. In reality, I just wanted to forget _her._ I wanted to move on from _her_, forget that we ever had a thing. I just wanted to breathe again. Ginny is great, she is truly an amazing woman but she's not _her._

I think Ginny knows.

That has been my biggest fear from the beginning of this marriage. That she would know with time that I am not in love with her, that I have never being, that my heart belongs to another. I tried to change my mind, I did try to love her how she deserves, to cherish her every time we are in bed together, every time we have sex. However, it has been impossible to accomplish that task.

I had to learned not to close my eyes when we are having sex, because if I do, I see _her_. _Her_ long curly hair spread all over the pillow, _her _moans, _her _brown eyes asking me to give in and complete her with my seed inside her. No, I cannot close my eyes when I have sex with Ginny and I think she knows why I cannot do that. It is also why I cannot say Ginny's name when I am coming, because I know the only name that will leave my lips is _her _name.

I should have done what you did and forget everything because I've been living in the middle of the ocean trying to survive with a float board since the day that you decided to forget.

Tears started to fill my eyes. I cannot continue living like this, my heart clench, I need to move on, I need to do something differently, I cannot be stuck in the same place anymore.

It escaped my mouth in the lowest whisper before I could stop myself 'Hermione' ..my sweet, sweet angel why did you decide to forget us, forget me?

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AN3: That's all for now. Hope you like it!


	2. My yearly Easter trip

AN: English is not my first language, therefore, I'm very sorry if you find any grammatical errors.

AN2: I change a few things in the first chapter, you don't need to read it again. It was nothing major.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of the Harry Potter world just the plot of this fic.

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Previously on Chap. 1

I should have done what you did and forget everything, because I've being living in the middle of the ocean trying to survive with a float board since the day that you decided to forget.

Tears started to fill my eyes. I cannot continue living like this, my heart clench, I need to move on, I need to do something differently, I cannot be stuck in the same place anymore.

It escaped my mouth in the lowest whisper before I could stop myself 'Hermione' ..my sweet, sweet angel why did you decided to forget us, forget me?

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It has been a few days since I started writing, but nothing has changed. I thought that writing could help me in taking away my miseries but they are still there, bright as the sun, torching like the fire.

A few months ago everything was normal. I always gave my purpose of direction to where the movement of the ocean waves rocks my float board but something change. I change. Ginny wanted me to commit spending more time at home with the kids and her. It was not something illogical, I spend most of my days and nights looking for the few death eaters left and also looking for people who want to disturb the balance of the world.

I did not feel comfortable with her request because I was almost at a breakthrough with one of the death eaters that we were searching for…. you see, I am lying again, making excuses so that I don't confront the truth. In reality, I knew what her request meant. I read between or to describe it more accurately, I listen her intonation. She wanted to spend time with me and the kids to remind me what I have, in what I need to focus, but I'm not letting the wave redirect my path again. I have been letting time go by and I have just realized that 13 years is enough. I'm taking control of my life and I know for sure that it does not lie with her.

I have many regrets in my life, some bigger than others, but my children with Ginny are not one of them. I love my kids, they are everything to me. You are probably thinking that I am using them as an excuse. That it is just a phrase ingrained in my subconscious because of the constant reminder of my biggest regret but I can assure you that is not the truth.

When James was born I could not contain my emotions, I was so happy, I was finally having my own family. My precious boy, such a happy kid. Laughing around, crawling from one place to another, and needing my presence at every corner. I finally thought that I have found my purpose again. Being his father has made me a better person than I could have ever been if he wasn't here with me.

Albus was such a quiet kid, always in tune with his surroundings. Listening, paying careful attention to your face, your eyes, the way the words were said. And then came my little princess Lilly. I thought that my heart was going to explode with the affection and love that I have when I laid my eyes down on her.

My relationship with Ginny was really good before the "change," some days we were great, others we couldn't see eye to eye but I was not worried because I knew and still believe that every relationship has its up and down, and if you wanted things to work out you needed to work for it. Patience, tolerance and love, that's what you need to keep it up. I have the patience and tolerance part down, I didn't have the love part but I love that she is the mother of my children, I love how she is with them, playful, forgiving, happy… That is the word which describes Ginny the best, she is the happiest around them.

Today I decided to leave earlier than normal from the house, around 3 am. I couldn't sleep, I tried to but every time that I was at the border of falling asleep I was reminded by my sadistic brain of _her_.

_She_ came home yesterday, told me that she wanted to talk to me about something, Ginny never liked our friendship, I think that she hoped that being married would keep her away from me. Tough chance Ginny, I wouldn't have let that happened.

I'm a sadist, I know. Yet the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I just wish she remembered. I don't know if things would have been more bearable if she knew, however, I would like to think that we would have managed.

_She _knows that tomorrow (or is it today, as I am writing it?) is going to be that time of the year again. When we enter the library of Grimmauld place I close the door, took out my wand and mutter a Muffliato and a Colloportus charm. I didn't want Ginny or the kids overhearing our conversation. Even though we were not going to do anything to compromise our marriages, one couldn't be too careful.

I hugged her and breathed in her scent "Thank God she came here today." 'Hermione, what's going on? Are you ok?'

She hugged me tighter, I was in my happy place. 'I just came by to wish you off for tomorrow'

I gasped, my eyes flew open, I couldn't move, I was overwhelmed, I would have probably chocked if I said something "Does she remember?" My mind was bombarding me with question after question, memory after memory.

'Did I say something wrong, Harry?' She tried to take a look at my face but I couldn't let her. I hold her more tightly. She would knew in an instant that something was wrong if she saw my face and I couldn't tell her, not yet. I wasn't ready and I knew for sure that she wasn't ready. Right there I promised myself that if she came looking for answers about what I have decided with my life (although, I'm still debating about that at this time) I would tell her everything but for now, only this moment matter, _her_ in my arms.

I breathe her in again and calm my mind. 'Not now, not ever. I just needed a hug from my best friend, my partner in crime, m.. ' " my world" I couldn't say it. Time.. that's what I needed. I released my hold on her and took a few steps back, I decided to take a seat on the couch and put a few objects between us so that I could organize my thoughts.

'Harry, I.. ' She stopped, her eyes roaming through my body and face till they stopped at my eyes. She sighed 'Ok, I will not pry'

I smiled but it didn't reach my eyes, I could tell by the way her eyes started roaming again and analyzing every aspect of my face. 'Mione don't worry about it. The thing is that…'

I was interrupted by a persistent knock on the door. I got up to open the door but Hermione beat me to it. She waved her wand for the counter-charms and opened the door. Ginny was there with a fake smile on her face. I closed my eyes "Not again."

Hermione took a look at Ginny, looked back at me and mutter an excused before she left the house. "Shit" I sighed. It was not the first time that we meet in private and it won't be the last.

The relationship between Ginny and Hermione was not good, I think that it never has been. Hermione has been there with me since the beginning and Ginny cannot accept that. We have had many fights about Hermione. I think that she talked to Ron about it because in the last few years our private meetings have diminished considerably. We both have families and work to tend to and that can be a big factor as to why we are not having them constantly anymore but we always make time for each other. _Always._

I got up and face Ginny, 'Ginny what's…'

'Harry, stop. I don't want to talk about it. Lilly wants you to read her a book'

I looked at her face, she was pissed. I could tell by the way her mouth has set in a thin line, her eyes void of any emotion. I couldn't sooth her, not the way she wanted and she knows that. I sighed again and prepared myself. I needed to be the best for my kids, to be the father that they need and count on. I stopped by the door with Ginny at my side, she turned so that I can get to my daughter. She wasn't looking at me, so I left to Lilly's room.

Sometimes I understand why Ginny treats Hermione like that, other times I just wish things were different. I just want to start from the beginning. To where this story started, to the day my heart decided to reside with Hermione Granger but I cannot write about that time, not now, maybe in a few weeks or months.

As I was explaining before my mind interrupted, I left earlier today. Today is the day. Every year during the end of Easter I take a day off from everything, work, kids, Ginny, friends. I go alone to visit this beautiful place, a magical place you could say. It's a little bit hard to get there by muggle means, it's a long trip but it has the best view in England. Whitby. A small town surrounded by the sea and the North York Moors National park. It has been years since I have put a foot in the Whitby Abbey. Too many muggles but today is a special day. The wind is picking up, I am looking at what has being left of the marvelous structure of the abbey. I sigh and whisper 'Everything is going to be ok.' That has been my mantra for these past few days.

As the sun starts to set I stop writing and decide to head to the place where I need to be. No one knows that I have a small cottage in this place. Not even Ginny, Ron or _her._ It's a beautiful house in Cleveland Way near the Hornblower Lodge. The cliff is just a few feet away from the two-story house. At the back I have a small garden, I usually pay for someone to come and keep the garden at least once a week. A muggle name Johnny, I do not want anyone from the magical world to know of this place. Not even the squibs, someone could offer them a deal to discover what I have hidden in this place.

I pick my journal and start writing again.

I know I have open a can of worms with this memoir. I know that_ she_ will never forgive me if _she _knew what I have hidden here, but I had to. I purchased this place as soon as the war was over. I just look for the first place that was on sell on the papers and it led me here. I fell in love with this place, the people, the boats, the sea, the solitude. I lean down and turn my eyes to the sky. Orange and pink paint it at this time, sometimes a cloud passes, sometimes I listen to the birds, but mostly my eyes are fix in the different hues of colors. And the ritual begins.

I started to talk about what has happened in the last year that I have being here, how are James, Albus, and Lilly, I talked about Teddy and his numerous pranks on Andromeda and the Weasleys. I talk about the death eaters that I have captured, and what we plan to do with the wrongdoers that we haven't catch yet. I talked about Rose and Hugo, but mostly I talked about Hermione. When I have exhausted all the topics in my mind I decided to talked about the changes that are to come. That has been the first time that I talked about the future, my future.

I take my wand out and mutter 'Orchideous!' a bouquet sprung from my wand. I turn my head around and read the words engraved on the headstone "In loving memory of _Holly Potter, _who was born in heaven and love deeply by her parents HP and HG."

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AN3: Hope you enjoy this chapter!


	3. Holly, my love

AN: Hey guys! Hope you like this chapter! I was a little bit hesitant to upload it (as you read you will see why). As I said in the previous chapters, English is not my first language, so there will probably be a few grammatical errors. I'm sorry about that. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

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Chapter 3 - Holly, my love

Previously on Chapter 2

I started to talk about what has happened in the last year that I have being here, how are James, Albus, and Lilly, I talked about Teddy and his numerous pranks on Andromeda and the Weasleys. I talked about the death eaters that I have captured, and what we plan to do with the wrongdoers that we haven't catch yet. I talked about Rose and Hugo, but mostly I talked about Hermione. When I have exhausted all the topics in my mind I decided to talked about the changes that are to come. That has been the first time that I talked about the future, my future.

I take my wand out and mutter 'Orchideous!' a bouquet sprung from my wand. I turn my head around and read the words engraved on the headstone "In loving memory of _Holly Potter, _who was born in heaven and love deeply by her parents HP and HG."

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Holly.

I always knew that I wanted to keep the tradition of naming my future daughters based on flower names. I didn't think much about it when I was at Hogwarts, too many things to take care of (Voldemort, Snape, Homework, etc.). Funny how things work. My wand is made of Holly, and I never imagine that I would have used that name for my first daughter, but it just fits.

I never paid attention to the holly tree. It was just a tree that at Christmas it's used to decorate the doors or living rooms of a few muggle homes. It never catch my attention, till that day.

I saw what happened, I tried to reason with _her, _I told her not to worry, that everything was going to be fine.

Little did I know, that all hell broke loose after that.

It was like the domino effect. Nothing was quite fine. Darkness enveloped her, she was spiraling to the unknown, to a hole. I was trying to float but I was drowning again and again. Wave after wave trying to break my hold on her. I couldn't let them take her, I needed her to know that I was there for her, for us.

I regretted that I didn't tell her at that moment how much I love her.

I was a coward. I couldn't face her, I was in shock by everything that had happened to the people and creatures that fought with us, that are dead by the savages of the death eaters. People interested in a stupid ideal of purity and power. Let me tell you something that I have learned from all of this. It doesn't matter. Nothing matter. You are here on this earth for a short amount of time. What you do with your time can or cannot help with the development of the community but you will be forgotten. Unless you do something extraordinary, made a big discovery, create something not done before, fight injustice, etc. That way your name will be plastered in books, but let me tell you another thing for those of you looking to achieve that. They will never write your true story. No one will understand or know the struggles that you overcame because no one is interested in that. They want solutions, answers, not the difficulties of how you achieved them.

I am getting out of the topic again. This is more difficult than I thought. I am trying to organize my thoughts in the best way possible but they are entwined with everything else. I'll try to not deviate again, that way you could understand the facts and then my emotions.

As I was explaining, when I learned what had happened to our little ray of hope I tried to console her the best way I could. I wanted to tell her about my feelings but I thought it wouldn't be the appropriate time to tell her. I didn't want to say anything that could trigger her remembrance of the day that _they_ took us away.

"I am in love with you"…"this is not the end of us" .. "I know you, I know _us" _

Things that I should have said to her at that time, words that couldn't get out of my mouth because every time that I saw her and held her she just cried, she fought, she yelled, she throw things..her grief was bigger than I anticipated. Mine was too. Believe me, mine was too, but it was tainted by all the other things happening around us, the death of our friends, the Order, Voldemort. People were counting on me, I couldn't let myself crumble then, I couldn't let myself get lost. We needed to stop the war and that's what we did. Holly just gave me the strength to keep up, to not let them win, for Hermione, it was otherwise.

I would never forget the day that I hold Holly for the first time. She was so small. Her face wasn't formed yet, she was only a few weeks, between 9 and 11 weeks. I would have never realized that babies are like that in the beginning. Nothing was amiss, you could see her arms and legs, her little fingers and toes. She wasn't moving but she was still warm, blood was everywhere in the bed. Hermione was hyperventilating and…well, I should explain a little bit more as to where and what has happened for Holly to died.

We have just been caught by the Snatchers, Hermione configured my face so that I wasn't recognizable, Ron was there with us, we hadn't told Ron anything yet. It was not the time, we were going to tell him but we were just happy for him to be back.

We were led to Malfoy Manor by the Snatchers, Bellatrix took Hermione and was trying to pry information from her about the sword, about me, about everything. Hermione was so strong, she was a warrior. I was going mad listening to her screams, I didn't know what to do, Ron was yelling her name again and again. I just couldn't move. I couldn't comprehend what exactly was happening.

My love was been tortured above us, I was listening to the sick laugh of Bellatrix, to Hermione's cries, I couldn't take it anymore, I started to move I pulled out Dumbledore's snitch, I tried to shake it, I yelled, I don't know what exactly. I was scared out of my mind, the only thing that I was thinking of was the baby and of course Hermione but I was locked behind bars. I couldn't get out of here.

If they were to talk to Griphook, Bellatrix would know and would have killed Hermione because of the lies that she told. I tried to reason with the goblin, Hermione couldn't die, she needed to be ok, the baby needed to be ok. And that's when Dobby came, and saved us. He took us to Shell Cottage, to Bill and Fleur's house.

I would not explain everything that happened at that time, I still have problems remembering the order of how things went that night. I just knew that we lost Dobby. My grief at that time had been divided by a hundred. I was been pulled in every direction. My mind was remembering all the people and creatures that have died because of this war, because of me, I couldn't get my brain to think in the now, not at that time. My vision blurred, my eyes were filled with unshed tears, but I wasn't moving. I couldn't even blink.

I don't know how much time I was in the same position, the first thing that came to my mind was the baby and my beloved. I blinked and the tears run freely down my face. 'Hermione?' I asked and that's when Bill told me that Ron has taken her inside the house. I knew that he had my back, that she was going to be safe with him because he was my best friend, taking care of the only ray of hope in my life at the time, even though he didn't know that we were together now, I knew Hermione was in great hands. I needed to take care of Dobby now that he was dead. I needed to give him a proper burial. And that's what I did.

I think that I should have kept a journal at that time of my life, I cannot remember as neatly some things that happened during the time of the Horcrux hunt and the death of Voldemort. Maybe I'm getting old, maybe this is what people always talked about, yet I still feel pretty young, I'm only going to be 31 years old in a few weeks.

Sorry about that, got distracted again. As I was explaining, I know that I talked to Ollivander and Griphook that night, and with Ron and Hermione, we developed a plan to infiltrate Gringotts. Some of you may think that I would have remembered every detail of that night, but I remember a few flashes, a few conversations. The only thing that I remember more vividly is what happened after the conversation with them.

Everything was quiet at the house. Everyone was sleeping except me, I needed to talk to Hermione alone, I needed to see if she was ok. If the baby was ok. I enter her room and closed the door, I mutter a Silencing charm and lock the door with a Colloportus charm. I turned and fix my eyes on the bed, Hermione was sleeping soundly, but I was horrified of what I was seeing.

The sheets were smeared with blood. It was like I was in a horror movie. I went to Hermione and tried to wake her up, "Was she still breathing? Did something else happened with Bellatrix that I didn't know?"

She woke up startled. I hadn't realized that she was perspiring. Her eyes almost flew out of her sockets when she saw the blood on the bed. 'Harry, what's happening? Where did all this blood come from?'

She took away the sheets surrounding her and gasped. Her eyes filling with tears. I felt out of my mind. How was it possible to shed so much blood and still be alive? And that's when I saw her, Holly, a few centimeters down of Hermione's pelvis. I grab her with my hands. I was trembling, she was so small, wasn't bigger than my pinky finger. I tried to say something but my tongue was stuck, my throat hurt, I tried to swallow my saliva yet it was like trying to swallow a jawbreaker.

I was looking at the small baby, my baby and that's when I heard Hermione's broken cry and the repercussions of what happened came crashing down. I can't write anymore about that night today, maybe in a few weeks I could continue, but not today.

Holly. A beautiful flower. Normally the tree blooms from May to June, but there was one little bud that went above everything nature dictates and was out and about on Easter, during the time that we discovered what had happened to our sweet baby. A beautiful white flower, with the ends of each four small petals, painted with a little bit of pink.

A few months after that I learned that it is also the flower against anger. How fitting. She died because of the same thing that her name is against. She died because of jealousy, injustice, and anger.

I put my hands in her tombstone and say a little prayer. My fingers contoured each letter of her name. The pain has lessened over the years but I still like to visualize my life with Holly in it. What would have happened if she was still alive? Would she have had my eyes and Hermione's curly hair? Would she have been a loud and playful kid like James? Or would she had been like little Rose, studious and quiet? Or would she had been like Lily a lovable bundle of joy?

I gave a kiss to the tombstone and went inside the house. In a few hours, I needed to be at my top when I arrive home at Grimmauld Place.

I started cooking dinner. Ginny and I tried to cook together when we first got married, and that was a disaster. I was in the middle of her way when she wanted to grab something from the pantry and vice-versa. She made me promised not to cook with her again. I understood that my methods were different from the way that she's normally used to cook, so I consent it. Would things have been different if I had made the effort to see her way? Probably.

I learned a lot about me in this few times alone in easter, things that I didn't want to acknowledge. Things were difficult to comprehend and accept. Yet I am changing and with me, my surroundings and the people I know will change, not because I am the center of their world, but because when you put in motion the desire to change, the whole universe changes your environment so that it can be done. I am changing, therefore, everything and everyone near me will change with me.

This is enough for now. [I stop writing]

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AN2: I'll be uploading the next chapter in a few days.


	4. Going against the waves

A/N: Hey guys! I hope you are enjoying the fic so far. Here is the next chapter. As I have mentioned before, I am sorry if you find any grammatical errors, it is not that I haven't check for them is just that English is not my first language and I can't spot them as easily as others can.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

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Previously on Chapter 3

I learned a lot about me in this few times alone in easter, things that I didn't want to acknowledge. Things were difficult to comprehend and accept. Yet I am changing and with me, my surroundings and the people I know will change, not because I am the center of their world, but because when you put in motion the desire to change, the whole universe changes your environment so that it can be done. I am changing, therefore, everything and everyone near me will change with me.

This is enough for now. [I stop writing]

* * *

It has been a couple of weeks since I have written. Not yet my birthday if you were wondering about it, I'm still 30 years old. Everything has been normal, nothing amiss. I'm still Head of the Auror office.

Since the day that I visit Holly, it has been difficult to get up and go to work. I think that I put some things in motion that have led me to this desired of going contrary to the waves normally lead me. I don't feel the drive of catching wrongdoers anymore. I yearn for peace. I yearn for my small cottage in Whitby.

I talked to Ginny today.

Well, that's not accurate. We had the _talk._

Yes..shocking I know. I hoped that I would never have the chance in my life to experience that but things change.

I've been with the kids this whole day, Ginny decided to go to the Burrow for the day. She told me that it was to help Molly set everything for dinner over there. I do not doubt for a second that she is there because of that, yet I wondered if that's the whole truth. I have celebrated my birthday with Ginny, the kids and friends at the Burrow since we got married. I don't know if they are planning something for me this time, I hope not. I am not in the mood this year.

I decided to stay with the kids at Grimmauld place (fewer chances for them to become wild creatures of the earth if you know what I mean). At some point at that time, I was looking at my 3-year-old, Lily. She had dragged James to play tea time with her.

I looked at James and I tried to contain the small smile that curve my lips. Imagine a 7-year-old trying to sit in the smallest toddler seat ever. I was trying hard not to laugh. He was trying to figure out if he was going to bolt from his current seat or if he was going to play along. Albus was at my side reading a book. I moved a little on the sofa to be more comfortable. I looked at the clock on the wall and noticed that in a couple of minutes I would had to get up and bring lunch to the kids. I laid my head back, just enjoying the sounds of my kids. I seemed to have dozed off for a few minutes because I was startled by Albus shaking my arm.

'Dad?' Albus said with a worried look.

'I'm ok Al, just a little bit tired with everything that has been happening at work.' I looked around and saw that James had hopefully got out of the Tea party of Lily. Probably Lily grew tired trying to explained to James how to pick up his cup of tea.

I decided to pay attention to what the kids were doing, I didn't want them to hurt themselves unintentionally. I saw James a few meters away, playing with an action figure that had a flying charm, it was flying just a few centimeters off his head. Lily was having a blast with her tea party. She was giggling and squealing loudly. Last year Hermione gifted her an incredible set of teddy bears that could answer you when you asked a simple question.

Everything was fine at that time. I looked at the clock again and noticed that I had 5 minutes to spend before going downstair to bring the food up. My kids happy and at peace, that is the best feeling of all. I am sorry if I write a lot about my kids, I know that it can bored people to death talking about them, but they are everything to me and they are part of my life, a big part.

So, moving on, this is the moment that I wanted to write about.

'Dad?' Albus asked again.

I looked at him, he was looking straight into my eyes. I had a strange feeling. Something was off.

'Dad, are you and mom fighting?' Albus whispered.

I gasped. 'No! No, of course not. Why are you asking that?'

'In the last weeks, I have seen mom crying in the kitchen at night.' Albus said.

I choked. Why has Ginny been crying? Now that we had the _talk _I know what exactly happened. Don't worry, I'm going to explain it all, just let me finished writing about what I felt at that moment.

So I looked around the house, I tried to make a list in my head. Everything was all right here, I looked to each one of my children. They all are healthy, all are well. No one is sick or sad. On the contrary, they were engrossed in their world.

I turned my eyes to my youngest son and that is when it hits me. I've been a little bit distant with Ginny since I visited Holly. I close my eyes feeling ashamed. That was not my intention.

I thought that Gin and I would have worked our differences and overcome any rock or any mountain that was put in our path. I was wrong. I don't think it was wrong or childish of me to think that marriage is a sacred communion between two people. We didn't fail as a couple, I did. I should have been giving my all into it, yet I am only giving it 30% at most. I can't do this to Ginny. She deserves better. She deserves a man that could love her the way that I never would.

I opened my eyes and looked again to the eyes of Albus and began to speak. 'It's not what you think, Al'

He scrunched his face. 'Then why was mom crying?'

I have always wanted my kids to learn about love and family with me and Ginny. [I sighed]. I wanted so many things with this marriage. At that point in the day, I was wishful. I think that that is the best word to describe my mood. Wishful that things developed differently than they are now, but this is life. And being human is not easy.

We went to The Burrow, things went smoothly, everyone was laughing, in their little bubble. I was just watching the interaction of each member of the family. This had been my home for years, we have cried, mourned and laughed together, however, I don't feel the connection anymore. As I wrote the last time, I am changing, and being here has changed for me. It's not that I don't like them, is just that I need something else.

As I was saying before, everything was ok, the kids were playing, adults were laughing at one of Ron's joke. Hermione was looking lovely as always. Ginny was a little bit stressed, I didn't know why till we arrived home.

Some of you may think that nothing good came out of it, but let me tell you, it meant more to me than all my years fighting for the security of every wizard and witch in this country. It meant my peace, my health, and my sanity.

I'll write a few of the conversations that I had with Ginny since we arrived home. I hope I don't bore you to death with it. To tell you the truth, It was very emotional, not for the fragile hearts. So I will warn you, if you are not feeling like you can keep reading just skip this whole chapter till the end, I'll probably write some insights of what I feel about this whole thing. I'm no good at explaining my emotions or explaining why I do things, but as I have it fresh in my mind, maybe I could explain it better.

Ginny and I were at the library, we had put the kids to sleep, I was seating on the sofa near the fireplace thinking of the change that I noticed in me going to The Burrow. I noticed that Ginny wanted to speak, she has been pacing all around the library. I took my wand and muttered a silencing charm. I didn't want the kids to wake up because we were talking.

'Harry, we can..' She lowered her gaze and started looking at her hands. She took a big inhale and said 'I think it will be good for us if we go to couple's therapy. Ron and Hermione have been able to resolve most of their issues there. We can try it. I know we can get over this thing that has been hovering above our family for a few months ago.'

That shocked me, I've been like this for months? I responded 'Gin, no' I didn't need someone else to poke and look around in my head. I had enough with Snape occlumency "lessons."

But Ginny insisted 'You don't know if it can help. We haven't tried it yet'

Why couldn't she understand? My life has been on the public eye since the end of the first war. I told her in the calmest voice that I could muster at that time 'We are not going to couples therapy.'

She brushed away my answer and tried again. 'But Harry we clearly cannot do this alone. If we go, they can help us. We can have our family back. We can overcome this. Together.'

The only thing running through my mind at that moment was "Why can't she get it?" 'Ginny, I can't. We can't go there. There's nothing to be fixed.'

'Harry Potter where have you been living these past few months? We haven't been together as a real couple in weeks. We haven't been together as a family since the beginning of the year. I need to understand what exactly is happening with you, with us. If you cannot talk to me, you can talk to the therapist and she or he will help you. If you insist on not going then talk to Ron.' Tears started to fill her eyes ' I... I just want my husband back.'

Shame filled every pore of my body. I rushed over to her and tried to hug her but she didn't let me. This is my fault, all of it.

She composed herself and continued. 'Explain it to me, Harry. What is happening to us? Are you tired? Take a vacation from work. Let's go around the world and have a family vacation, maybe that will help'

That wouldn't have helped a thing. I answered 'Ginny, I ca..'

She didn't let me finished, my answer just fueled her on. 'STOP saying that you can't! You have several people under you, you can take a bloody break!'

'Ginny you don't unders…' she cut me off again.

'Then EXPLAIN IT! What the heck is going on? Are you…' She stopped talking. And then continue in a small voice. 'Are you with someone else? Are you…Are you cheating on me?'

'NO!, No, Ginny no. Look at me. Ginny. Look at me please.' When she looked into my eyes. I continued. 'I am not cheating on you. I don't have anyone else to go to when I finish work.'

She whispered in a fiercely voice. 'Then what is happening with you?'

I took a few steps away from her and gave her my back.

'Is it something about work then?' she asked.

'No' I said.

'Is someone else in trouble? Is it one of our friends?' she insisted.

'No and no. Ginny stop. I don't want to talk about it. This is not the time for that' I responded. I shouldn't have said that. She started to become agitated.

'Then when?! When will you have the time to talk to your WIFE? You have been distant from me, you haven't even talked to me about anything else that doesn't involve our kids, the food or the house!' I felt her pacing from one side to the other and then stopped. She started with a normal voice. 'I need to understand Harry, we are in this together, for better, for worse… in sickness and in health. Do you remember when you told me those vows?'

I choked 'I know. I know'

'Stop telling me that you know and EXPLAIN once and for all. WHAT are YOU hiding from ME?! WHY are you so distant from ME?!' She was so frustrated, I could notice in her voice.

I looked at the bookshelf in front of me and my gazed stopped at a picture of Hermione, Ron and I in 4th year. Things were so simple then "Stop the bad guy from destroying the world as we know it" now, it was just a mess, "Living a lie, hoping that everything ends in a perfect note." I wasn't fooling anyone, just myself. My resolved steel. I couldn't tell Ginny the truth. She would be devastated. To know that the person that you have been married for 13 years has never love you it's hard on anyone.

She turned me around so that I can look at her face. 'Harry, please, please talk to me.'

I looked into her eyes. I could see the hurt that she has been carrying these past months. I couldn't keep the charade up for too long. I was hurting her and she deserves better than that. I was ashamed of myself, of how I handled things then and now. I closed my eyes.

'Gin… you wouldn't understand even if I tell you the truth.' I said.

She started to turn red, her eyes were on fire. She pushed me hard. I could see a tiny wisp of electrical magic surrounding her. 'Harry STOP IT! I am a grown woman. You can tell me whatever the HECK is wrong right now. I am your WIFE! If what you say is true and you are not cheating on me then we can solve this thing. Let me owl the therapist, I think that I could schedule an appointment for this week.'

And just like that, I started to get mad. She decided to take matters into her own hands. Not anymore. I am going against everything else till I find my direction, and just like that, I had the courage that had left me since I killed Voldemort. I decided to tell her.

I saw that she was walking away from me, her destination was set to a desk with several parchments and quills. I said 'Ginny stop.'

'Whatever it is we can talk about it at the session, don't worry about it anymore' She was been dismissive. I can now understand why she was like that, it's not that she didn't understand me. It's just that she wanted with all her heart to resolve this problem, but I wasn't so forgiving at that moment.

I said. 'Don't you understand? My life has been public all of my life! Why would I go willingly to a therapist to talk about my problems when they could have been Imperius, or force Veritaserum down their throat or pressure to tell the media or my enemies what is wrong with me at the moment. That is a weakness that I preferred not to have and you SHOULD understand that'

'Harry, please, I know that but they are certified!' she insisted.

'I don't need their help' I said stubbornly.

She shouted 'You CLEARLY do! '

'I do NOT need anyone's help! I can manage on my own!' I know what you are probably thinking, that I do need help with these situation, just keep reading we are right at the part that I wanted to tell you about.

She was livid 'Are you listening to yourself? You are not making any sense. You know that there is something wrong. Let someone in, let them help you!'

I tried to keep calm, but my temper was getting the best of me. 'I told you already that …'

'In the name of Merlin, Harry! Just say it. Say whatever it is that you have stock in your chest. Just SAY IT!' she shouted.

I didn't have control of my mouth at that moment, I said 'I DON'T love you anymore!' And then part of the weight I had on my shoulders started to vanish. I could breathe again! Something was bubbling up in my chest, in my head and I remembered reading a text a few years ago that resonated with me but I was too scared to understand why. It said:

"_..it is not a tragedy to have an unhappy marriage, the tragedy is teaching your kids a love that is mediocre, coward, incorrect and that we need to 'take' the situation as best as we can because of fear of what the people are going to say about us.._"**.

All my life there have been speculations and talks about me and this is not going to be the end of it. I think that they will keep writing till the day I died and beyond that point. I have made my peace with that knowledge long ago, but maybe I still have some remnants of those feelings. And that's ok because I am human and I made mistakes and sometimes I don't want to confront things because I'm not ready but now, I am ready to confront this.

I have several years to understand what exactly I am doing and what exactly I'm projecting to my kids. My resolve has been set and I understand the path that I am taking. I know that it's not going to be easy and people are going to talk. It is not approved in the wizarding world to divorce your partners as you have made vows for forever, however, this is the new century, muggles have done it since decades ago.

It is going to be all right.

And then I looked at her, and everything came back together. Her eyes were void, tears have been shed. She had one hand trying to stop the sob that was trying to get out of her mouth. The other hand was limp by her side.

'Ginny, I am sorry' I took a deep breath and set my eyes on hers. I needed to be a good husband, a good friend, a good person. I let it all out. 'We don't need couples therapy because I don't love you anymore. I haven't cheated, I have been as faithful as anyone can in my situation but I can't keep this up. It is not something that you did, or something that I did. It's just not there anymore.' I haven't realized that tears were escaping my eyes, I swallowed. It was harder than I imagined.

'Ginny, I have tried a lot of things, I have fought with myself, with the situation, with everything. I can't bring it back. I…' I choked. Ginny was whimpering like a wounded animal. 'This has never been my intention, I have appreciated our union, I love our children, I ..I don't regret anything, but I need to be truthful to you…'

'Stop' She interrupted me.

But I needed to finish 'Ginny I..'

'I said stop!' She insisted.

I kept going. 'But we need to…'

'STOP IT! How can you say things like that! "appreciated our union"? Are you listening to yourself? You are sounding like another person. Do you think that it has been easy for me to love you? I have done everything here. I have been waiting for you since forever, I have decided to stay at home with the kids, I have taken care of each one of them, I have tried to be spontaneous so that our love doesn't evaporate and you are telling me that it's gone. It's not GONE! We can salvage it, we can bring it back. We can..'

I interrupted her. 'Gin there's no bringing it back.'

But she was not having it. 'Of course, we can! We just…' Ok, let me stop right there. I have noticed that I have written a LOT of pages only on this conversation. I'm just going to stop right there and give you the resume version of everything that went down.

1\. I told Ginny I didn't love her anymore. (I will not tell her that I have never loved her, that's just wrong. Sometimes we need to tell the truth, but other times the truth will not do any good).

2\. Ginny didn't like what I wrote in the first point. She cried, she yelled till her voice crack. She also ran away from our conversation, but not until she sent me various painful curses.

3\. Ginny went to The Burrow.

4\. Ron came through the floo about 2 hours after the conversation with Ginny.

5\. Ron and I fought, a LOT, and yelled and probably our friendship will never return from this point.

6\. I was left alone for the second time that day.

7\. As I think of it, I am thankful that I decided to put a silencing charm so the conversation wouldn't disturb the kids.

8\. Half an hour since Ron left, Molly and Ginny came to Grimmauld place to talk to me.

9\. I told Ginny that I wanted a divorce because I didn't want her to stay with someone that didn't love her the way she deserves. (When I decided to marry, I thought that I would marry for life, but things don't go along as you plan it).

10\. Ginny lost it again (because of point 8) (I know that I should explain better but I don't want to write more about the conversations, she said some hurtful things, we cried, she acted like we haven't been married for 13 years like we were long-time enemies… I'm not proud of how I handle things, but I promised that I tried to be as level headed as I could [and I know that I am not that type of person, I'm volatile even in my best days, but I did my best I promised]).

11\. Ginny sent me more curses that I didn't know the counter-curse. Not good, thankfully they only lasted about 2 hours. (I'm not blaming Ginny, it was her right to do what she did, I deserved it).

12\. Molly sent me more curses just to be sure that I was injured enough. (Those lasted more than the ones Ginny sent my way).

13\. Ginny and Molly left the house.

14\. Before Molly left she told me that maybe I would reconsider everything that was said today, she told me that tomorrow is a new day and that I was lashing out to the only person that has stood by my side since the beginning of everything

15\. I didn't tell Molly that she was wrong, I didn't want to spike the flames more than they are at the moment, but I am saying it (or is it writing it?) now. Ginny has been in the good parts of my life, however, she hasn't known me in my worse, because she wasn't _there._

16\. I went to our bedroom and started to pack everything that was mine.

17\. I went to each of the bedrooms of my children and kiss the top of their heads. I made a vow right there and then not to left my children fatherless. I can be a better person, and I can show them, real love, without being tainted, without being mediocre. I would show them a better version of myself.

I don't know what fate has in stock for me, I don't know if I'll ever be married again (I don't want to lie to a person that I care about again), I don't know what's going to happen from this point on, I don't know …and the list goes on and on. The only thing that I'm certain is that I will be a better human, I will try my best to be truthful to myself, to my children and my friends.

It's 4 am, I'm alone, even though things went down today, I'm thankful, I'm at peace, I can start to _be_ again.

* * *

** - This is from a post that I read on facebook. I really don't know who wrote it but the user that published it is called 'A Emprender Se Ha Dicho,' it is a text in Spanish. This is the full text : 'El divorcio no es una tragedia. Tragedia es tener un matrimonio infeliz, enseñarle a los hijos un amor incorrecto, cobarde, mediocre y que hay que 'aguantar' situaciones por el qué dirán. Nadie murió por divorciarse. El alma muere por permanecer con quien no ama.'

A/N2: I'll upload next chapter soon.


	5. The current situation (Part 1)

AN: Hey guys! This is the new chapter as promised. I had to divide it into 2 parts since it was more than 17 pages long. I'm still not finished with the second part, if it gets longer than I am expecting, then I will probably have to divide it into 3.

AN2: As I mentioned before, English is not my first language so I am sorry if you find any grammatical errors.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything but the plot.

* * *

Previously on Chapter 4

I don't know what fate has in stock for me, I don't know if I'll ever be married again (I don't want to lie to a person that I care about again), I don't know what's going to happen from this point on, I don't know …and the list goes on and on. The only thing that I'm certain is that I will be a better human, I will try my best to be truthful to myself, to my children and my friends.

It's 4 am, I'm alone, even though things went down today, I'm thankful, I'm at peace, I can start to _be_ again.

* * *

It's been a few days since I last wrote. I decided not to go to Whitby until I resolved a few things in London. I'm staying at the Three Broomsticks for the moment. I know. I think that most of England's wizarding population knows where I am right now.

I went to Gringotts yesterday, one of the things that I needed to do was to change the owner of Grimmauld Place. I left it to Ginny. I didn't want my kids or Ginny to be unprotected. Even if Ginny and I aren't together anymore, I still care for her. She's important in my life, I am not saying that I am in love with her (I think that I have already explained enough of how I feel about her in the last pages), but we share something that will interlace our lives till the day that we die, and that something is our children.

Most of you are probably thinking that Grimmauld Place is not that protected because the Fidelius charm became unstable at the end of the war due to Dumbledore's death, let me assure you that it was for a few months but I took care of it before I moved in.

It was difficult and tedious work but with the help of the Ministry of Magic and a few other creatures, we dissolved the previous Fidelius charm. Afterward, with the help of Bill Weasley, we put the charm back again with a new Secret Keeper. I will not say his or her name in this memoir, my family depends on the secrecy.

After the _talk _with Ginny, things came to an awkward stalemate. The Weasley family was not happy with my decision, Molly still thinks that I am going to change my mind in a few days… I am not, obviously. I do not know how else I can explain it to her.

I am paving my path for the first time in my life. There's no one else pulling the strings, just me and to be honest, it's the scariest thing that I am doing. I do not know where this will lead me, all I know is that I need to do this. I cannot lie anymore or keep up with the farce.

As a result of my decision, I am currently suspended from going to whichever Weasley family reunion approached these days, that is until I resolve the current problem with Ginny (Molly's words). I really do not know what will happen when they get into their thick heads that I am not getting back together with Ginny, probably my name will become taboo (just kidding, I really hope not, for the sake of my kids).

Things with Ginny has not been good. Ginny is still not speaking to me. The children know that something is up. They have been crying, yelling and acting rebellious since that night. As a result, I decided to talk to them about it and it was not easy. Not at all!

I thought (and still think) that the best way was to talk to each one individually, I didn't want them to feel that I was brushing them off by talking to all of them at once. I wanted to listen to there opinions and hear their thoughts about all of the things that were happening at the house right now. I also wanted them to know that I will be there every time that they need me, I was just a floo call away.

I started with my firstborn.

James was not happy, not at all. He was so angry and sad about the situation and with me. We were in his bedroom at that time, he was sitting on his bed. I was in front of him on my knees, on the floor so that I could be eye level with him.

When I finished explaining everything, he asked. 'Why do you want to separate our family?'

I tried to reason with him. 'I do not want to separate our family James. It will never be separated, just… change. Things will not be the same as always. It will be difficult at the beginning but you will understand why.'

'You are leaving me here! You are leaving US! How can you say that things are going to be ok.' He stopped talking. Looked down at his shoes and asked in a small voice. 'Was it something I did? I promised to play more with Lily even though I do not like her tea parties. I promised to be a good brother to Albus and a good boy. So please, stay.' He pleaded with tears falling freely off his eyes.

'James' I said, trying not to shed any tears, I rush to hug him, however he didn't let me. It hurt but I didn't want to force the hug. I said 'You are a great boy. I am the luckiest person since you came into my life. I will be there for you. I will never leave you. You and Al and Lily are one of the best encounters that had happened to me. I am so proud to be your father. I will never want to be away from you.' I put my hands in his face trying to wipe his tears.

He jumped into my arms and started to cry freely 'Dad, I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave us.'

My heart was constricting. I did this to him.

I stood up with James in my arms and sit at the bed. I needed to be there with James, this was not going to be as easy as I thought. 'I am not leaving you. Any of you, I promise' but he couldn't understand it. He cried and asked, again and again, 'Why?', and every time he asked I responded the same thing 'I love you' 'I'm never going to leave you James' 'You will see, when you are older, I will explain everything to you'.

He fell asleep on top of me, sobbing and whispering again and again "promise me, daddy, promise me."

I do not know if any of you have children, or if you have passed through the same hardships as I am passing right now, for those of you who don't have any idea. It is hard, it is devastatingly hard. At that moment, I reconsidered my choice a million times and reinforced it a million and one. I am doing this for me, but I am also doing it for them. So they can know what real love is, and not be stuck in the same situation that I was. This is not going to be the end of my relationship with my children.

I needed to be strong for them and me.

With Al, the conversation went a little bit different. He has known for weeks that something was not right. I think that he knew that something like this was going to happen sooner or later, even though I brushed his inquiries with my work-related answer when he asked me hours before I talked to Ginny, he was not satisfied with it, but let it pass.

Between James and Albus, I think that Albus was a little bit more understanding, I think. Ok, maybe I am kidding myself, I know. I think that he is still too young to understand the ramifications of what this decision is going to do to our family, however, Albus is a lot more matured than other kids of his age, so maybe he did understand at least a little bit. I hope.

I started the conversation with 'Al, you asked me a few days ago if mom and I were fighting. Do you remember when you asked me?'

'Yes,' He said. He was sitting at the floor of his room with an open book on his lap. I was sitting in front of him, with my back to one of the bookshelves of his room.

'Your mom and I talked about why she has been feeling that way and I decided that I don't want your mom to be sad anymore. I also think that the best option right now is for me to leave the house so that she can stop being sad. You need to understand that she won't be happy with this change at first, however, I promise you that she will become happier and even more beautiful as time goes by. I know it.'

'I don't understand, dad' He asked with a scrunched face.

I tried to think of an analogy that he could understand at that age. Something reached my mind and I said 'Ok..Imagine if you had all the books in the world at the library of this house.'

'But Dad, that's impossible!' he giggled a little bit.

'Just imagine it, son. You have all the books in every topic, muggle and magical. Wouldn't you be happy with having all the books in the world?' Ok, I was winging it. I didn't know how exactly I was going to get it to the point so I continued to think.

'Of course!' He said.

'And what will happen to all the kids and adults that wish to read a book, there wouldn't be any for them to read' I said.

'But I would lend it to them, they just need to ask' Al refuted.

Ok, that was not how I wanted the conversation to go. I was thinking at that time "No, not a good analogy at all" yet I couldn't back out. If I did I would confuse him more. I didn't thought that it was going to be that hard to explain an analogy, I was wrong, yet, I kept it going.

'And what will happen when they cannot find the house or don't know how to floo or send an owl' I refuted.

Al started thinking about this problem, then he came with a genius idea. 'Then I would draw them a map!'

Merlin's pants! How did I get into this mess? I tried to explain it in another way. I said 'Al, won't you feel sad if someone else took all of your books because they wanted to have all of the books in the world?'

He looked back at his foot and answered 'Yes.'

At that point I was sure that the analogy was horrible. Why can't we get a manual on _Toddlers Analogies for dummies_ or something like that?

I steeled myself and said, 'Good, that means that you can understand the other part of the coin. You would be happy with having it all for you, but others wouldn't be happy with that situation. Your mom wasn't happy that I wasn't giving my best, and she has all her right to be mad and sad at me because of that. I just want her to be happy, I want her to have all the books that she wants. Do you understand, Albus?'

I am not that good at explaining things as Hermione is. She can explain tough topics to her children and they understand immediately what's happening. I wish I had paid more attention to her in those moments, maybe I would have been able to explain it better to Albus. He was ok with the answer that I gave him at the moment, however, I know that he will want to know more as he grows older and hopefully by that time I would know exactly how to tell him everything.

Lily was the most difficult of the three. When I told her that I needed to leave home because her mom and I aren't going to be together anymore, she just stood up and went to her closet. I was confused, that was not the reaction that I was hoping for.

When I stood up to see what she was doing, I was shocked (to tell you the truth I am still in shock, I didn't think that any of my kids will have that reaction). She was putting her teddy bears inside a small trunk that Ginny bought her when she was young. She had taken out all the things that were inside (her first clothes, her first shoes, her favorite blanket, etc ) when she started putting some of her clothes I spoke. 'Lily-bear what are you doing?'

'I am packing' she said like that was the most normal thing in the world at the moment.

'Packing for what?' I was so confused.

She said in an exasperated tone 'I am going with you, obviously'

I was in shock, I couldn't comprehend her answer.

My brain kicked in a few minutes later. 'Sweetie, no, no, stop, look you need to stay with mommy, she will be lonely if you left with me '

'I don't want to stay with mommy, I want to stay with you' she said with a fierce look on her face.

I remember thinking at that moment "Merlin's beard, she's like a mini Ginny." I tried hard not to smile. She looked so cute with one of her hands in her hips and her eyes looking into mine, trying to intimidate me into giving in to her demands. I looked down at the floor and the smile finally broke my face.

That moment was priceless and forever will be one of my favorites memories, I can assure you.

I was glad that she wanted to come with me, but I think that Ginny would not be happy at all that Lily go away with me. I wanted Lily to be with Ginny, not because I want to be alone or because I am going to be at Whitby, but because every child needs his/her mother's love and I wouldn't want to take that away from Lily.

I decided to make a bargain with her to let me go away for a few days so that I can finish with a few businesses. I promised her that I would come back to the house with a gift in tow for being so patient with me and that we will talk more about her wanting to go with me then. She wasn't happy with the deal but she complied.

I was wishing that she would forget about her wanting to go with me. Not because I don't want her to come with me, not at all. I would love for her to be with me. I think that she would love the Whitby cottage. So, no it's not that I don't want her to come, the thing is that I am more afraid of what Ginny would do to me (… yes I am terrified of Ginny when she gets mad) or think about if Lily comes with me to Whitby.

Ginny wasn't talking to me (still isn't, if you were wondering). I understood why she's been handling the situation like that, however this thing with Lily she needed to know right away, just in case Lily brought it up when I wasn't home.

I steeled myself and when I finished my talked with Lily I went to the kitchen to talked to Ginny..ok, ok, I didn't talk to her. I did a monologue. She listened to it, didn't make any points or refutes. When I asked her what she thinks of it, she just stood up and said 'Fine' and left me there in the kitchen all alone.

If you were wondering what exactly I told her, it was between the lines of 'Ginny, I know that this is not the time or the moment to tell you this but I need to tell you that I want James, Albus, and Lily to stay with you, I don't want to take the kids away from you. You are a great mom, you are wonderful with them and I know that they need you more than me. I needed to tell you that because when I told Lily about me moving away from Grimmauld Place she had a reaction that I didn't expect. She wants to come with me, but before you interrupt me I told her to stay with you. Don't worry about it. I also…' I am not going to write the whole thing.

I don't remember half of what I said, I was getting nervous with not receiving an answer or a look or anything from her.

I knew that if I went with my decision to divorce Ginny, my relationship with her was never going to be the same as it was, however, I wasn't expecting her to give me the silent treatment. I am not mad at her for doing that, I understand why she is doing it. She's mad, sad, lonely and she's also probably in grieving… grieving for the love that was, yet never bloomed.

I just hope that with time Ginny and I can get to a point where we can talk and co-parent the kids.

Moving on, as I said at the beginning (before I started to write all the conversations that took place in the last couple of days after the _talk _[Merlin! This is just sounding like a taboo topic. Divorce! The day after I told Ginny that I want a divorce]) I need to get my affairs in order before I go to Whitby.

I have already done most of them in these couple of days that I have been staying at the Three Broomstick. The only thing left for me to do is to… Sorry, there was a knock at the door, I'll be right back.

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AN3: I hope that you are enjoying this fic so far! I will upload the next chapter at the end of this week.


	6. The current situation (Part 2)

A/N: Hey guys! I know that I promised to upload this chapter at the end of the week (where I'm currently living is still Sunday night =p ), so here it is. Hope you like it, I wasn't satisfied with it yesterday, that's why I am uploading it now. I also wanted to thank all of you who have followed and favorite this fic, thank you, thank you, thank you!

A/N2: As I mentioned before, English is not my first language, so I am sorry if you find any grammatical errors in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

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Previously on Chapter 5

Moving on, as I said at the beginning (before I started to write all the conversations that took place in the last couple of days after the _talk _[Merlin! This is just sounding like a taboo topic. Divorce! The day after I told Ginny that I want a divorce]) I need to get my affairs in order before I go to Whitby.

I have already done most of them in these couple of days that I have been staying at the Three Broomstick. The only thing left for me to do is to… Sorry, there was a knock at the door, I'll be right back.

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Chapter 5a

**The current situation (Part 2)**

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I thought things couldn't get worse.

I thought wrong.

Do you know who was at the door? Guess. Please, take a guess. I think that you will know who it was.

Still, don't have a clue? That's ok, let me tell you a little guess, her name starts with "H" and it ends with "ermione."

I am mad! I am so mad at her, at the situation, at everything.

Why does everyone like to complicate things more than they are? I know that Hermione had good intentions by coming here. I know that she doesn't want to see her friends in this kind of position, but to force her to come here and try to change my mind is just preposterous. [I sigh] I think that it would be best if I explain what exactly happened since I stopped writing.

I looked at the clock in front of the desk, it said 8 o clock. It was strange for me to have any visitors, since I haven't told anyone to come by today. I have already eaten. I had asked in advance for someone to bring me breakfast, lunch and supper the days that I was going to stay here (I didn't want to go downstairs and be the new specimen at the zoo when I started eating).

I had asked for a few days off at the Ministry if you were thinking about what I decided to do with my job. As I had already eaten about an hour before this I was quite confused as to who was knocking.

When I opened the door and saw Hermione I was more confused. 'Hermione?'

'Hello, Harry. It is so good to see you. Is it ok if I come in?' she asked.

I was shocked to see her there. We haven't seen each other since the dinner at The Burrow. I came back to myself a couple of seconds later and opened the door a little bit wider. She came in.

I closed the door and turned to see her, I was nervous. I didn't know what she was doing here. I pushed my glasses a little bit closer to my eyes, I hadn't noticed that it was almost at the point of my nose, probably because I was writing.

Hermione took out her wand and put a Silencing charm on the room and a Colloportus charm on the door. I was bewildered by her actions, it's not that I didn't want her to put the charms on, it was just that I was still stuck in "What was she doing here?" that I forgot that we were in a "public" place. I'm just glad that she thought of it because things escalated quickly. If someone had heard our conversations… it would probably be front page in the Daily Prophet tomorrow morning.

When she finished casting she put her wand back into her secret pocket and started speaking, 'Harry, how have you been?'

I looked at her, perplexed by her question and responded 'Fine, I guess.'

'I know that things have not been easy for you these couple of days' she said looking around the room.

'That's an understatement' I said while sitting at the bed.

There was an awkward silence when I finished talking. It was really weird because with Hermione nothing was that awkward. I looked at my shoes trying to come up with something else to talk about. I could talk to anyone about my current situation with Ginny, but I could not talk to Hermione about it. It's not that I do not trust her. It's just that.. it still hurts and I don't want Hermione to know how ashamed I am for how I handle things and how stupid I have been for not ending it sooner.

Before I could come up with a new topic she asked 'Harry, don't get me wrong but are you sure that this is the best path to take?'

I was affronted. 'Why are you asking me that?' I said looking at her.

I think that she noticed that I got upset by her question because she said, 'Before you get mad I just want to know if you had thought it through, it is a big change after all'

I was getting apprehensive. This was not Hermione's style at all. I am not saying that she wouldn't say things like that, it's just that... I could tell that something was not right. 'Yes, I have and my answer is still the same' I replied.

Nervously, Hermione started to pace around the room, she stopped all of a sudden and said 'I know that we haven't talked since everything happened, would you mind explain it to me?'

I didn't have to explain anything to Hermione, it was my decision after all, but I couldn't say no to her. I sighed 'I don't know what you want me to tell you, Hermione, it is as I have told Molly, Ron and everyone at the Weasley family. I want to divorce Ginny. I think that you have heard it already from one of them.'

She tried to smile a little bit but it came more like a grimace. She looked around the room. I could tell by her posture that she was tense. A few seconds later she steel herself and looked into my eyes and said 'Yes, I have, however, I want to listen to your point of view, untainted by the remarks of others.'

I was uneasy. She wanted me to tell her exactly what I didn't want to tell her. This is my life… when I am not ready to handle things, is when Fate decides that it is the best time to throw me in the middle of it. Sorry, I am being dramatic, I know.

The truth is that I just wanted to be at a better place before I talked to Hermione about it. I put my elbows on my knees, closed my eyes and rested my head on my hands. I was not going to tell her the complete truth either. I was not going to destroy another marriage. I know that Hermione and Ron care for each other, probably… [I hesitate] they probably love one another and I am not going to damage anything more. Maybe this secret would just be known only by me and these few parchments.

I started with the truth, I said 'A few months back things started to change…'

I looked at my hands trying to find the next words and I fix my eyes on my wedding band, I haven't realized that I was still wearing it, I started moving the ring in a circular motion. My eyes concentrated on how the light reflected on the ring. I was organizing my thoughts to explain it better but I think that I took too long because she interrupted me with 'How so?'

I exhale loudly and decided to just tell her a resumed version. 'It was not that I didn't like to be with Ginny anymore or that I was tired of being married. You more than anyone knows how much I value been married.' I waited till I heard a small 'Yes' from her part before I continued, 'I am not cheating and have not cheated on Ginny. I had not fallen in love with anyone else…' I stopped speaking and looked at the ring again.

I was going to say, "I had not fallen in love with anyone else since you" but I contained my tongue. This was not the place, nor the time, but my mind and my heart were not on the same page with what we had agreed on. Traitor.

[I stop writing and look around the room. I'm trying to gather my thoughts]

This is not about Hermione. I am not doing this for her, I am doing it for me and Ginny. I am finally taking the courage that has left me. As I was explaining beforehand, I stopped speaking after I said 'I had not fallen in love with anyone else..'

I looked at the ring on my finger and stopped moving it. Words popped up when I stopped, "It is time" and at that moment I knew that everything was going to be fine. I am going to be fine, Ginny and the kids were going to be ok too."

I made up my mind. I close my eyes, fearing what was about to come next and took off the ring as slowly as I could. I remember thinking that a calamity was going to happened if I did that. I open one eye. Nothing change. I relaxed, open both eyes and looked at the ring a little bit more. I gave a little nod and put it on top of my trunk by the bed.

I said, 'I can't keep being married to Ginny because I don't have feelings for her anymore and I do not want to keep lying to her. I don't want to live in the same house with a person who thinks that I am giving my all. Everyone deserves to be loved and cherished by someone who loves them. I couldn't do it for Ginny. She deserves better than that.'

She sat on the armchair in front of the bed and looked at my eyes 'Harry, I didn't know'

I looked at my hands again and said in a bitter voice 'How could you?'

Now it was her turn to look at her hands 'You know that it's not that I don't want to…'

I cut her off. 'It's ok, don't worry about it'

As you can tell, I am still resentful that I haven't been able to talk to Hermione about all the things that have been happening around in my life. She could have helped me a lot in understanding things faster. I spent 13 years to understand that I am not being fair to the person that loves me unconditionally, with the help of Hermione I would probably have known before I married Ginny. [I rub my eyes and sigh]

And It's not that Hermione and I don't talk anymore, it's just that work and family have become our priorities.

I am lying, that's not entirely the truth.

The truth is that a big part of the things that I want to talk to Hermione have to do with her and I cannot hide that those are big enough things that are changing my life now. Also, I made a promise with her before she decided to forget about us. I promised her that I wouldn't bring anything that had happened at our time at the Horcrux hunt or about Holly until she wanted to talk about it.

I guess that that talk would never happen, it's been so long already… 13 years.

Sorry, I was reminiscent about the past and even though it doesn't have to do with the conversation that I was having with Hermione at the time, I needed to write it, you know? I need to get it all out of my chest.

Ok, I left the conversation in the part where I cut her off and said 'It's ok, don't worry about it'

She fidgeted and stood up. I could tell that she was anxious by the way she was playing with her fingers. I was puzzled by her actions.

She changed the topic and asked 'Do you believe that it is gone? Do you think that maybe it's just hibernating or something? You have been together for such a long time, I know that you have been sweethearts since Hogwarts years, maybe you need someone to help you with remembering everything.'

I remember thinking, "You got to be kidding me." I looked at her like she had 3 heads. I was getting angry. I waited for our eyes to meet and said in the most control voice that I could muster at that time, 'Believe me, I AM serious. I know it's the truth.'

She turned away from me and looked down. I was trying really hard to control my anger. This was not the first time that I get mad at Hermione, I have been angry several times with her, but she never disregarded my feelings and belief so rapidly like now. I don't know if this has something to do with all my years working as an Auror but I could tell that something was up.

She turned around slowly and glanced at my face when she was facing me, once our eyes met she quickly looked at her hands again. She said in a strangled and rapid voice, 'I'm sorry Harry, I believe you, is just that..'

I strained my ears as far as I could to understand better what she was saying.

She bit her lower lip and continue in a whispered and dejected voice '...Is just that Molly wanted me to come to see if I could persuade you into changing your mind. I know, I.."

'She WHAT!?' I interrupted her. I was baffled and this is what I am so furious about. Never in my life would I have imagine something like this happening to me.

She tried to speak 'Please Harry, let me explain…'

But I interrupted her as fast as I could, 'So you are here talking to me right now because Molly wants you to convinced me to go to couples therapy with Ginny?'

'No..' she said firmly and then said in a whispered voice 'well, not entirely'

And I lost it when she finished talking. How could she do something like that? I didn't know what to feel about that, I was hurt, angry, confused, I was feeling betrayed… so many emotions running through my body and mind at that time. I stood up and…I don't remember all the things that I yelled at her or all the things that she yelled back.

It was the first time that we fought like this, and oh boy, it was raw. I don't remember being so angry in my life. She tried to calm my volatile self with explanations and reasons. I was not having any of it. Before I forced her to get the hell out of the room, I catch her eyes. She was trying hard not to cry in front of me. Her cheeks were red (probably because of all the shouting), her hair was wilder than ever and she was breathing heavily.

I tried to calm myself before I did another thing that I would regret for the rest of my life.

I turned away from her, trying really hard to keep my temper in line. Hermione was not the kind of person who would force others to change their minds. I said in the calmest voice that I could muster 'Why are you really here for?'

She noticed the change in my demeanor and said 'You know that I have valued our conversations more than anyone. You are very important to me, Harry. I don't want to lose you'

I turned around to look at her face. 'What does THAT have to do with anything?' I refuted in a loud voice.

She went to the window and replied in a quiet voice. 'As I was trying to explain to you at the beginning. Molly talked to me earlier today, well, the whole family was there, including Ginny. They were thinking about how to help you see the "light" again. After several hours of dreadful ideas, Molly looked at me and told me that I needed to convince you to change your mind…'

She hadn't said anything in the last 20 seconds and I started growing impatient. I think that she noticed because a few seconds later she glanced my way and said, 'Let me finish. It's not what you think' and turned again to look outside the window.

A few seconds later she continued, 'Everyone knows that we are close, that we value each other's opinions above anything else. Molly knew that I would be able to change your mind if I wanted to, but I won't.'

She turned and waited until our eyes met again and said, 'Harry, I won't. I needed to see you. I needed to know if you were ok. As things has been escalating at the Weasley family I couldn't come and see you. I was hoping to catch you at work but they have told me that you took a few days off. I needed to check if you were ok. I couldn't send an owl because I was afraid it could be intercepted and this news is not yet public' She stopped talking, looked out the window and put her forehead on the glass.

A few seconds later she continued, 'Molly asking me to come here was just my excuse to see you and talk to you.'

At that point, all my anger and resentment against Hermione vanished. I deflated, feeling hollow and tired.

Finding out that close friends and family were conspiring against your beliefs and feelings was not something new for me. But it has been a long time since something like that happened, that's why it hurt so much and that's why I was so angry.

She said 'I understand more than anyone what are you going through'

I didn't say a word. I didn't understand her statement.

'I know we haven't talked about it because we didn't have the time before' she stopped again.

She touched the glass with her fingers and continued, 'Ron and I have been having problems, a lot of them. We are doing better now because we had help.'

Even though my heart was constricting I said 'That's good to hear' I sat at the bed again and closed my eyes, rested my elbows on my knees and put my hands on my face. This was not what I was expecting.

I thought I knew where the conversation was going, I was wrong.

She continued as nothing happened. 'I understand why you wouldn't like to go to therapy.'

That statement shocked me. I open my eyes and looked at her. She kept looking out the window

'I know you, Harry, it will only leave you with bad memories and a serious case of paranoia' she laughed a little.

'Probably' I said and things between us got to a normal state after that. It's not that I am not angry anymore, that's not it.

I thought that my relationship with Hermione was going to be damaged by all the things that we said before, but we forgive each other before we knew it. I think that it happened because we understood why we said the things that we did. I am not happy about all the things that I yelled and I believe that Hermione isn't either.

'Every relationship is different, as every path is. I believe you when you say that you don't feel the same as before, I understand why you cannot be with Ginny.' She turned around and looked straight to my eyes 'I admired you, Harry'

'What?' I said.

'I admire you because I know that if it was another kind of man he would have kept the charade till death because it was easier than to confront family and friends. This will not be easier for you Harry. This will probably be a huge event in the wizarding world. At least now the news is being contained by us, however, in a few days, it will get out. Are you ready?' she asked.

'No, I am not' I laughed nervously 'I only know that it is the right thing to do.'

She had a small smile, a few seconds later it was gone, she looked at her shoes and then back at the window and said, 'Being married to a Weasley is not an easy task, there are certain standards one needs to uphold.'

I was puzzled by her statement and asked 'What?'

'Don't worry. I'm good. It's being difficult not being able to talk to you like before.' She said.

I didn't want to force her to tell me anything. She will tell me on her own time. I said, 'I know.' We didn't talk for a few more minutes, it was a comfortable silence.

After that, we talked about what things are going to be now that the Weasley family has banned me. We also talked about my cottage at Whitby and everything that happened to the kids when I told them about this change. She was laughing hard when I told her about my poor attempt at an analogy. I told her about Lily and her desire to stay with me instead of Ginny. She told me about Rose and Hugo, and things at work, and other things that we haven't talked about since years ago.

The only thing that we didn't talk about was Holly. I just wish that we could talk about our little ray.

Flashes of memories about Holly, Hogwarts, my family and friends..and Hermione come and goes. I need to write all of it, I need to purge myself from all of those memories to build a new future for me and my loved ones. Maybe I will write about them later when the time comes, when I feel ready.

I looked at the clock, I think that it will be best if I go to sleep now. It's almost midnight and I still have things to do tomorrow. Until next time.

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A/N3: Hope you enjoy this chapter! Oh! And I forgot to mention that I had to divide chapter 5 into 3 parts, this chapter was getting too long. However, I have already written the next few pages of chapter 5b. I will try to upload it for next Sunday but I have a deadline for a project that weekend, so let's see how that goes. I will upload it as soon as I can. Have a great week!


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